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God's Design for a Successful Marriage
The Role of the Husband
Copyright 1979
by
John
F. MacArthur, Jr.
All rights reserved
This morning we continue our study of the Book of Ephesians, a study that
has gone on now for many months, and we are in the fifth chapter, and so I invite you to look with me at that chapter.
The great General Montgomery said to his very young troops one day these
profound words, "Gentlemen, don't even think about marriage until you have mastered the art of warfare." Some of you are saying,
"I can relate to that!"
Why is marriage such a potentiated warfare? Why does it seem to be so tough to have a really
meaningful relationship with somebody? You know, life is about relationships--isn't it? And the most needful relationship
is that one that occurs between a man and a woman in a marriage, and yet the fulfillment of it is so elusive. Having a meaningful,
lasting relationship with somebody that gets better, and that gets richer, and more fulfilling, is just very, very, rare.
In fact, we look at marriage, and whenever we see marriage portrayed it's usually a fighting, unfaithful, discontented, bitter
kind of wrangling thing that ends up in separation, divorce, and so forth.
Well, there is a reason for this. There
is a reason that marriage is difficult. There is a reason that people in our world cannot make meaningful relationships. For
the most part, it is hard for them to make meaningful relationships at any level, but when it comes into a marital situation
it becomes all the more difficult. And the reason is very clear: I want us to go back to where we ended last time, the first
three chapters of Genesis, and I want to show you why marriage is such a difficult thing. I admit it--it is difficult.
Let's
look back at Genesis 2:18-25, and get a good sight on God's design for marriage, and then we will see why this thing became
so warped and perverted and has caused the marriage relationship so much pain. Now, in the Book of Genesis we have the story
of the creation, God's creation of man being the summation of creation. We find, as we come to 2:18, that man has already
been created but God is not done yet,
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make
him an help fit for him (or better "a suitable helper."). And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field,
and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living
creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of
the field; but for Adam there was not found a suitable helper.
Now, you notice in that, that from the very beginning,
God designed someone to be in charge, and someone to help. Someone to be, as it were, "authority," and someone to be "submission."
Someone to be the leader and someone to be the follower. Someone to take care of the provision and someone to be provided
for. And from the very beginning the man had the role of the headship, and the woman had the role of the one for whom that
headship was provided. The man was the one who protected, provided, preserved, and cared for the woman who was "a fitting,"
or "suitable helper" for him. "The LORD God (then desiring to give this to man, verse 21), caused a deep sleep (a divine anesthetic)
to fall on Adam, and he slept: then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the
LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man."
Now, God then provides this suitable helper;
the one to aid Adam as he rules for God in the pure and undefiled world of creation. Adam meets his wife in verse 23, and
Adam's comment is this, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken
out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
Now, here is a marvelously perfect relationship. Adam had no problem accepting
her, even though he had just met her. Since there was no sin, there was no selfishness. There was no criteria on which to
negatively evaluate her because there was no such thought, and so instantly he says, "She is in every sense one with me: bone
of my bones, flesh of my flesh." "And they too," says God, "Shall be one flesh." And they were naked, and man and wife and
there was no shame. Why? Because there was no such thing as an evil thought; there was no such thing as a perverse sexual
attitude, and so their nakedness was absolutely innocent. It was absolutely beautiful. It was as wondrous as the uniqueness
of the relationship in and of itself.
So, that's God's design: an incredible union. Yes, there is a leader, and yes,
there is one who follows the lead. Yes, there is one who has oversight and responsibility, and yes, there is one who is under
that responsibility. But at the same time, all of that is so beautifully blended in oneness, that you really don't see that.
You see, "bone of my bone; flesh of my flesh; taken out of me to be one flesh with me." There is this glorious oneness in
the union. The woman's submissiveness is willing and beautiful; the man's provision is willing and beautiful, so there is
no animosity, there is no struggle, there is no fighting, there is nothing but a perfectly glorious union.
Backing
up to chapter 1, verse 27, again we read a briefer account which was introducing the broader one of chapter 2, "So God created
man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Now to show you the unity, "God
blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over
the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And God said, Behold,
I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit
of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for food." And when God was done with all this wonderful thing, verse 31, He said,
"Behold, it was very good."
Now listen, when God gave Adam a helper in chapter 2, the union was so wonderful and so
blessed, and so bound together in love that when you go back to
chapter 1, it's described as "them" being fruitful and
multiplying, "them" filling the earth, "them" subduing it, and "them" having dominion. There is a co-regency here. It doesn't
deny the man's place and the woman's place; it just simply shows that it can exist in such an incredible oneness, such an
undefiled manner, that there is nothing really seen but how they work together--"they two" literally becoming one flesh.
Now, God's design for marriage is very simple:
1.
To Propagate Children
It was to propagate children. We find that, don't we,
right here where it says, "be fruitful and multiply."
2. To Eliminate Solitude
It was basically to eliminate solitude. Genesis 2:8, "It is not good for man to be alone."
3. To Have Physical Fulfillment
It was for his [and
hers] physical fulfillment. 1 Corinthians, chapter 7 says that God has designed each man to have his own wife in order to
fulfill physical desire.
4. To Have Joy.
God designed marriage just to be a situation where you could have joy--pure joy. Just the fun and the thrill of
being married, and the thrill of having a sexual physical relationship. In fact, Hebrews 13 says, "Let the bed be undefiled."
In other words, God has provided this, and the Bible lifts up the wonder and the virtue of that physical relationship. Genesis
26:6-9 shows Jacob, and it says that "Jacob was sporting with his wife." That's the first sport we find anything about in
the Bible! We just want you to know that that is in God's design, part of the wonder and beauty of this "two becoming one
flesh."
So God made this beautiful relationship where woman, who was to be the helper, was wonderfully supportive to
man; man who was to be the head, was wonderfully loving to woman. Her submission was willing, his love was wonderfully dominating
and so the union was beautiful. But something awful happened in chapter 3. We don't know how the solicitation to evil ever
entered into Eve's mind, but we don't believe that it could be internal because she was pure on the inside--it came externally,
as best as we can know. The serpent approaches Eve, and the serpent attacks in a very vulnerable way--he by-passes the headship
of man--he goes right to the one who is by nature the follower, one who is by nature the weaker vessel, as it were. He approaches
woman, rather than man, because he feels he'll have a better audience. He begins to track her down to the place where he provides
for her an enticement to do the one thing God told them not to do: "Eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil."
Of course, you remember, that she did eat (verse 6, at the end), she took the fruit "and did eat, and gave
unto her husband." Of course, right here, immediately in the fall is the reversal of the role--the woman has usurped the leadership,
and the man has fallen to be a follower. The twisting of God's whole design occurred at the moment of temptation, and from
then on that was the defiling of marriage. If you want to know why marriage is tough, its because there has been since that
act, a flipping of the roles; a failure to recognize the way God has designed it. And God, as it were, put that in concrete,
when He gave the curse in chapter 3.
Let's go to chapter 3 and watch. Verse 14, God talks about the curse that comes
because of this sin, "And the LORD God said unto the serpent, 'Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle,
and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life." So even
the animal was cursed, even the snake itself. Then He goes behind the snake to Satan, who was in that snake, "And I will put
enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed (that is the evil spawnings of Satan) and her seed (and of course
that has in mind ultimately Christ); He shall bruise thy head, and you'll only be able to bruise His heel."
The curse
on the snake: crawl in the dirt. The curse on Satan: ultimately your head is to be crushed by Christ
Then He turns
to the woman in verse 16, and the curse comes there, "To the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow in thy conception."
The wonderful reality of bearing children, the glorious anticipation and joy, and hope, of having that child will be somewhat
mitigated by the pain and anguish that it is going to cause when that child is born.
Additionally, "Thy desire shall
be to control thy husband, but he shall rule over thee." And here we find something completely reversed: man is going to now
rule over woman. Woman in going to now seek to rule over man. We went into that text in detail last time to show you that's
what it is saying. Here you find (people listen), the most basic things in human life are cursed: child-bearing and marriage,
having children and living together.
Then one other area, "To the man Adam he said, Because you have hearkened to the
voice of your wife, and eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground
for thy sake." It's even going to be tough to get food. "In sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; thorns also
and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat
bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."
And one other thing God said to them, "In the day that you eat thereof you shall surely . . . ."
What? "Die!"
Pain
in childbirth, problem in the home, difficulty in getting food, and death, are all a result of the sin in the garden. And
when Adam sinned, his death and his sin passed on all men, says Romans, chapter 5, for in Adam we all died, and in Adam we
all sinned. The race itself was cursed.
Now, you look at human society today and nobody will deny the pain of childbirth,
and nobody will deny that there are weeds growing in the ground, and nobody will deny that it is difficult for an individual
to earn a living and to provide for his family: he must labor and he must work. But, people don't seem to want to admit that
the reason there is conflict in marriage is because there is a total reversal of roles that came about in the sin in the beginning
and God sort of put it in cement, and the whole human race is cursed to have to try to make a family when a woman will seek
to usurp the lead, and the man will rule despotically. If you want to know why we have Women's Lib movements, it's because
the curse has kept that particular depraved reality in existence in the human history. In other words, women will seek to
rule. And the reason we have oppression from men, and the reason men seek to rule over women is because it is the curse of
sin that causes that.
Yes, there is chauvinism, no question about it. The world is full of male chauvinists, they have
been around all throughout human history, and that's part of the curse of sin. And yes there are women who seek to usurp--that's
the curse of sin, we know that, and we don't advocate either one, both are simply manifestations of depravity, manifestations
of fallenness, manifestations of the curse.
So beloved, you see, there are two
things needful if you are going to have a marriage that works:
1.
A woman has got to go back to that place of that beautiful submission she knew before the "fall," and a man has got to go
back to the place where his commitment is simply, in love, to take that woman as if she were one with him, and render to her
every single thing that he would do for himself.
In other words,
we need to go back again where women are characterized by submission and men are characterized by sacrificial love, just like
it was before the "fall." Do you want to know why we have got problems in marriage? Because we have got a cursed marriage
to start with. We are dealing with two sinful people, and depravity will manifest itself in the woman by seeking to overrule
the man, and the man by crushing the woman without love--and we have that in our society today.
Husbands don't love
their wives: they didn't in Jesus' time; they didn't in the Book of Genesis after the "fall." It is not natural--it's unnatural.
It's natural to love yourself, if we are talking about what is human nature. It's natural to be self-consumed, self-preoccupied,
self-absorbed, and as long as you are like that, you can't give yourself in love to somebody else. And men in our society
today are no different than they have been in the past: they suppress women; they crush women down; they make them into nothing
but sex objects, and the women have been abused. There is no question about that in my mind: men fulfill their part of the
curse too. We see a stream of filthy proliferation of pornography, magazines, and dirty movies, and all of that stuff which
make women into something like an animal, of which there is no other function than to fulfill the sexual prowess of the man.
That's wrong! That makes the woman into something far less than God ever intended
her to be.
Yes, men have oppressed
women--there is no question about it, and women have sought to override the bounds of their God-given design. But listen people--we
can't expect anything different. Why? Because that's the legacy of sin, and all we are saying to the world today, all that
this pulpit is ever saying, and all that is ever coming out of the Bible is this: Look, it doesn't have to be that way! You
don't have to have women's rights movements which go beyond the bounds. You don't have to have macho-male chauvinism which
goes way beyond the bounds! You can have a right relationship where a woman is lifted up and exalted and allowed to be all
that God had ever intended her to be, and where a man knows how it is that he is to invest his life to provide for and to
love that woman, so there is a marvelous co-regency in life that fulfills every need of the human heart--that's all we are
saying. Anybody who doesn't want that doesn't want something that's awful good.
So you have got a problem in marriage
from the beginning. Do you know why it is tough to make your marriage work? Because it's cursed--that's why.
Now, if
that isn't bad enough, Satan starts taking shots at marriage too! So you add to the basic curse in the human nature, you add
what Satan does and you are going to have problems. Look what Satan does immediately; look at Genesis with me: as soon as
sin enters the world, Satan begins to attack marriage. He is going to force marriage to dissolve. He is going to crush it
as best he can, because he knows that it is the only hope of right human relations. He is going to devastate the world by
destroying relationships at their most important level in the home. Immediately, you come to chapter four and what happens?
Verse 23, "Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah "(he had wives from A to Z). Lamech, what are you doing with two wives?
Genesis 3: the "fall," Genesis 4: polygamy! Immediately the prostitution of the divine standard "They two shall be one flesh."
That's always been God's standard; immediately he [Satan] introduces polygamy.
Now, that's not enough; we go to chapter
9 and Satan is still at it trying to corrupt the wonderful union of marriage. In chapter 9, verse 20, "Noah began to be a
farmer, planted a vineyard, drank the wine, became drunk and was uncovered within his tent." Now, we don't know specifically
what he was doing in there, but he was naked in there, "Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father," and the
implications is that he really looked at it for a while. "And then he went and told his two brothers outside." And here we
have introduced for the first time, evil sexual thoughts, and words.
You know, we said that before the "fall," "Adam
and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed." Why? Because there were no evil thoughts; there could be no perversion of anything.
But immediately after they had fallen in sin, what was the first thing that they ran out and did? They ran out and found something
to cover themselves up because they were naked and they were ashamed. Why? Because immediately when sin entered, evil thoughts
became a reality--perversion became a possibility, and here we find it.
Now, I don't know what went on, but I know
that Shem and Japheth knew better than to do what Ham did, they took a garment and laid it on their shoulders; and they went
in backwards so they wouldn't even see their father, and in backwards stance, covered the nakedness of their father. And they
never saw their father's nakedness. In the next text it says that and because of that God cursed Ham and He blessed Shem and
Japheth.
Satan introduces polygamy in chapter 4, and evil, sexual thoughts in chapter 9. In chapter 16 he introduces
adultery. God says to Abraham, "Abraham, you are going to have a child; you are going to have a son, and that son is going
to be the beginning of the prodigy of a race of people, through whom will come the great deliverer of the world." God gives
this promise to Abraham (at this time called Abram) who doesn't have a son. And he says to Sarah, "We can't have any children.
Sarah, What are we going to do?" And Sarah says, in 16:2,
Behold now, the LORD has restrained me from bearing: I pray
thee, go in to my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarah. And Sarah
Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her
husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress
was despised in her eyes.
This is adultery! Sexual relationship with someone outside your marriage. Another way to
destroy a marriage. It wasn't long after this that you come to the 19th chapter of Genesis and you meet homosexuality. Satan
has already introduced polygamy, evil sexual thoughts, dirty words (the words that Ham no doubt spoke to his brothers), adultery,
and now homosexuality. In chapter 19, two angels, in the appearance of a man, came to visit Lot. Verse 4, "The men of the
city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young" They said, unto Lot (in verse 5) 'Where are the
men who came unto thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them." And the word "know" is loaded with meaning:
it means to have a sexual relationship with them. And Lot said, "do not so wickedly (in verse 7)." And the angels actually
went out and struck them blind, and all that did was to make it harder for them to find the door. They kept beating on the
door even though they were blind, and God finally sent fire and brimstone, and destroyed the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Now
listen, it is tough enough to make a marriage work with a curse; you add to that appeal of polygamy, the appeal of evil sexual
thoughts and words, adultery, homosexuality, and it's getting tougher all the time. Go to chapter 34. In chapter 34 of the
Book of Genesis, Satan isn't through and another thing introduces itself into human life and this is fornication--sexual relationships
apart from marriage. "And Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she bore unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.
And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her."
Here you have fornication and you also have rape--very possibly. Now notice how Satan is just corrupting the human stream
in a rapid fire succession. We aren't even
out of the first Book of the Bible; we got polygamy, evil sex thoughts, evil
sexual words, adultery, homosexuality, fornication, and very possibly rape.
Go to chapter 38 and you find incest--sexual
relationship within a family. Verse 13, to make a long story short, "It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father-in-law goes
up to Timnath to shear his sheep. And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a veil, and wrapped
herself, and sat in an open place." And that's the way prostitutes did--this is not only incest--it is prostitution as well.
And she sat there waiting for him to come. Verse 15,
When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot, because she
had covered her face. He turned unto her by the way, and said, Come, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not
that she was his daughter-in-law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, (in other words, she had a price)? He said, I will
send thee a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give me a pledge, till thou send it? And he said, What pledge shall
I give thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that is in thine hand.
To show you how really
bad off he was, "he gave them to her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him." Prostitution, solicitation, harlotry,
and incest, all in one situation. And in verse 24 it says, "Tamar played the prostitute."
In chapter 39, you find Joseph
in Potiphar's house, and you find an illustration of evil seduction. We will stop right there. That's about as much as my
mind can handle. Now, listen to me people, do you want to know why marriage is tough? Do you want to know why there are so
many divorces, so many miserable people, so many unhappy relationships? Because to start with, the whole sin thing that started
in the garden was the woman taking the place of the man, in acting independently with Satan, and the man falling submissively
to the woman in sin. God locked that thing into chains, as it were, and since that time the woman always, by her sinful nature
desires to rule a man, and the man tends to despotically dominate the woman. Add to that the impulses of polygamy, evil thoughts,
evil words, adultery, homosexuality, fornication, rape, unequal yokes (such as in the case of Dinah and Shechem again), incest,
prostitution, seduction, and you've got trouble trying to make a marriage.
If that isn't bad enough, then live in a
society that extols all of that stuff as virtuous, because that's what our society does. You find somebody who is a virgin,
or somebody who is totally committed to their wife, and they become the object of humor in this society. To our society, polygamy,
and evil thoughts and words, and rotten filthy language. . . .it's getting now so on television you can hardly stand to turn
the thing on. Adultery, homosexuality, fornication, unequal yokes, incest, prostitution--that's stuff for comedy shows, that's
the stuff we are all supposed to buy. Now, you tell me this: it would be tough enough to try to make a marriage work under
the curse if you believed that it was right to do it God's way, but imagine what it's like to make a marriage work when you
are cursed to start with and then everything your society tells you is, "God's way is wrong and this is the way to really
live it up!" And people it is tough living the godly life in this evil generation. It's tough living in the midst of a perverse
nation and getting your act together in your home--believe me! The only people who do it, are the people who:
1. Know the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1-3).
2.
Are filled with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:18).
Apart from that you have no more
hope of making your marriage work than Ponce de Leon did of finding the "Fountain of Youth" or anybody else does in finding
the "Pot of Gold" at the end of a rainbow--it'll never happen. Our society denies the reality and throws the fantasy in front
of us. And I really believe that this is Satan's primary attack, because at the heart of all meaningful human relationships
is that marriage. If you can't make that work, [then] everything else is miserable--everything! The curse hit us at the base
of our most needed relationship: "It's not good for man to be alone!" Man desperately needs a helper; man desperately needs
someone with whom he can fulfill his deep drives and needs physically; man needs somebody who can be his friend. And so Satan
smashes man at the very core of his greatest need, and it's impossible for him to even work out that relationship.
And
then along comes the sick world spawned by Satan himself and tells us that, "if you really want to live it up: be unfaithful,
have an affair here, and affair there, swap wives, swing, be a homosexual, be gay and be proud of it," etc., etc., etc. And
the confusion gets worse, and worse, and worse, and meaningful relationships are impossible to find. Just think about the
songs of our culture. I listen to them sometimes and they are so pensive it's heartbreaking.
You hear them sing about
the affairs and the wild stuff, but then every once in a while you hear a song that is very pensive and somebody is singing
about they found the perfect girl, or the perfect lady, or the perfect man, and they know that this is going to be the right
relationship, and it's all going to be the way we thought it would be. I found the beautiful face, I found the attractive
body, I found the wonderful personality, and I am going to finally have a relationship that works with no boredom, and no
unfaithfulness, and no breakup, and no pain, and no loneliness, and no leaving, and no having to start all over again, and
it's going to be this way until we finally die--and it is a pipe dream! It's a relationship that they want, but there is no
way that they are going to have it.
So sadly our world lives with a whole bunch of illusions, a whole bunch of fantasies.
The first fantasy on the one side is that, boy, if you really want to live it up, you have got to have "supersex" and "supersex"
is with that incredible lady that you are not married to. It's out there, they paint it on the screen, and it's in the books,
and the literature, and the magazines, and the records, and everywhere--the fantasy world of that "supersex."
On the
other hand, there is that fantasy that somewhere there will be that perfect person, that wonderful love, that wonderful relationship,
that relationship that is so perfect that nothing can ever touch it; and so the two fantasies in ambivalence sort of go along
together, and it is really sad because the only place you are ever going to find reality is to find it right here in the Word
of God, by knowing Jesus Christ, being filled with His Spirit, and letting a relationship be what only God can make it. That
little fantasy about the perfect thing will never happen, and all that garbage about the real sex, and the real fun, and the
real living, and the real macho, and the real "doing your thing" is outside your marriage, is a big lie! But people in our
world aren't willing to listen to God, so they are not going to know the answer.
We are not living in a fantasy world.
I'm not the one who has the illusions; the illusions are all over the world. The reality is in the Book of God. Now, beloved,
this is why Ephesians 5 is so important; let's look at it now. Do you want to have a meaningful relationship? Do you want
to have a marriage where a wife submits lovingly to her husband, to his care, and protection, and headship, and lead, and
where a husband lovingly, self-sacrificingly gives himself to meet every need of that woman he lifts up and exalts with all
of his heart? If you are going to see that, it is going to be right here in this kind of relationship where Christ is at the
center, and the Spirit of God pervades the relation--that's the whole point here.
So after having said, "You've got
to be in Christ" (in the first chapter of Ephesians), and after having said in 5:18, "Be filled with the Spirit," he can now
say that it is possible for wives to submit and husbands to love their wives. And so what I am saying to you is this: that
Christian marriage as God designed it, and as Paul discusses it here is the reverse of the "fall." Do you see? In a way it
mitigates the curse. In a way it takes away the curse. Oh, what a wonderful thought that is, and among Christians we take
our place in the right relationship to each other--that's what God wants.
I tell you something people, without the
two prerequisites of knowing Christ and being filled with the Spirit--this never happens! This is the greatest treatise on
marriage ever written, and if you take Genesis into account it makes everything clear. God wants your home to be the way He
designed it for your sake, as well as His glory, but His conditions are simple: you've got to know and love the Lord Jesus
Christ and then you have got to walk in the Spirit.
I was speaking at a college out here and I told the class--they
ask me to speak to the Philosophy Class on ethics--and I said, "There is no reason you're even going to be interested in these
ethics unless you know and love Jesus Christ"--and that's true. If you know Christ and you are filled with the Spirit here's
the standard and it is possible people, it's possible. And do you know what the ultimate tragedy is? The ultimate tragedy
is conflict in a Christian marriage because it denies all the potential in that marriage that God has placed there. If you
are Christians then you have all the resources necessary to make your relationship all that God intended marriage to be before
the "fall" and as close as we can get to that.
Now, in our last study we talked about the woman a little bit, and we
said that the key was verse 21; let's look at it, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." We said that
a woman's submission is initial, it's basic, it's just God's beautiful design, and she submits to his provision, to his headship
(verse 23), "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church." To his "Saviorhood" if you will,
as a preserver, Christ even to the church as the Savior as well. So she, in verse 24, is told that as the church is subject
to Christ, so is she to be to her own husband in everything, in a beautiful submission to the husband who is a savior, a preserver,
a provider, a head who cares for her.
We saw how the Scripture is not oppressive, it's not chauvinistic; it lifts a
woman up. It elevates a woman to a place where she is the object of care, she is the object of protection, she is the object
of provision, she is the object of concern. The husband is to lift her up and exalt her in that way. Her place is simply to
respond to that care and that concern, and to focus her attention on the home that God has given her--to fulfill the responsibility
there to her husband and her children.
Then secondly, and for just a brief time this morning and then next time, I
want us to talk about the duty of the husband. This morning I am just going to introduce it to you, verse 25, "Husbands, love
your wives." Stop right there. Now, the husband also is to submit. Verse 21 is the umbrella under which all of this passes,
submitting the wives to their husbands and the husbands to their wives by loving them. Now, listen men, we are to love our
wives. Now, keep in mind that this is a mutual submission.
The tendency in the man is to dominate the woman. This is
the tendency of the human nature--to be chauvinistic. That's why we have it because of sin in the world--men are that way.
You know we exalt the macho man--don't we? The hard guy, the tough guy, you know the guy who comes into the bar and everybody
falls over. The guy who smashes her in the head with a club, drags her into the cave, and when she is used up--pitches her
out. Macho! We exalt that kind of stuff, and that is so depraved. That is nothing but a manifestation of human sinfulness.
You know you get weary of seeing that kind of stuff, men who just abuse and use, and tread on the glory of a woman, and so
he [Paul] says here, "Husbands, love your wives." Love your wives! The word is "agapao, agape" (Greek). It is the strongest,
most intimate, far reaching, comprehensive, fulfilling term for love. "Love your wives."
Yes, there is authority in
a marriage. Yes, there is a headship and one who follows. But he doesn't say, "Husbands, rule your wives. Husbands, order
your wives around. Husbands, subject your wives. Husbands, command your wives, exercise authority over them, dominate them."
No. "Love them!" How? "Love your wives even as Christ also loved the church." Stop right there. That's the manner. That's
point one in the duty of the husband.
1. The Manner as Christ Loved the Church.
Now, listen to me, how did Christ love the church? How did He love the church? You say, "Well, I don't
love my wife anymore. She's done so many. . . .I don't love her!" Is that how Christ loved the church? "I don't love the church
any more. Did you see what they did? Those people are always sinning, they never seem. . . . I don't love them any more. I
am going to find somebody else." Is that how Christ loved the church? Look at Romans 5:8; I want to show you two passages
in Romans--just simple ones. Romans 5:8, "But God commended His love toward us, (now watch this one) in that, while we were
yet sinners, (and by the way, verse 10 says we were enemies), while were yet enemy sinners, Christ died for us." Now, listen
to me, how did Christ love the church? He gave the greatest gift for the most unworthy people, so that the gulf is incredible.
He is absolutely holy, absolutely righteous, knows no sin, is untainted, unspotted, has no personal understanding of sinfulness;
He is without flaw. And yet, the absolutely Perfect One makes the absolutely ultimate sacrifice for the worst of enemy sinners.
That's how He loved the church.
Now, don't say to me, "Well, my wife, she has gone too far!" There was a guy who got
married and they got in the carriage and they were going out on their honeymoon. And it was in the early days when they rode
with a horse, and the horse bolted real hard, and the guy said, "That's one." They went a little farther and the horse bolted
again and he said, "That's two." And he went a little further and he did it again and he said, "That's three," turn around,
took out a gun, walked out and shot the horse dead. His wife said, "What have you done, what made you do it?" He said, "That's
one!"
There are some people who approach marriage, who approach marriage on a "One, Two, Three" basis. That isn't the
way. Listen, if God gave us only "One, Two, or Three" we would all be in hell--wouldn't we? God commended His love towards
us--God, absolutely holy, righteous God made the greatest most magnanimous, most ultimate act of sacrifice for the most vile
people. Do you see? Don't give me any "song and dance" about your wife's problems. Listen, you are not as far from your wife
as God was from sinners, and yet He loved us. Right? Who are you? Listen, don't you ever forget it--your wife may be a sinner,
but so are you! You are a lot closer than you think, and the reverse is true also.
Oh, we lose the perspective. You
know, we say, "Well, I don't love her anymore, I just decided that I don't love her." Then if you don't love her anymore,
you are disobedient to the command of God. That's right! You say, "Well, you know the Lord has (I have heard people say this--this
is true) the Lord brought someone new into my life!" The Lord? Really, that happens all the time--people say that--"It's God's
will!" Somebody said to me the other day that very statement, "We are getting married, the Lord has brought us together. And
it is so wonderful, our wedding will only be a week after my divorce is final! God has brought us together!" That's not true,
God doesn't do that. God commands you to love your wife. And if you were the holiest guy in the universe and she was the vilest
sinner, that would never change the command! Never! It doesn't change.
Romans 8 tells us even more, in verse 35, "What
shall separate us from the love of Christ?" How many [chances] does He give us? Does He say, "One, Two, Three, bang" to us?
"What shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness,
or peril, or sword?" Verse 38, "I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor
things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creation shall be able to separate us from the love
of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Listen, there is nothing that can separate us from his love, and he says we are
to love our wives like Christ loves His church. There is nothing that separates us from that love.
Man, you are to
love that wife--that's a command of God. I'll tell you something, it's an act of the will. It depends on whether you determine
to do it or not. If you determine that you are not going to do it--you won't. If you determine you are going to do it--by
the grace of God you are going to love in spite of whatever happens, and you are going to love as Jesus loves the church,
then no matter what happens you'll love. I promise you one thing: that kind of love is irresistible.
Chrysostom, the
great early church father said this, "Have thou seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the measure of love. Wouldest thou
that thy wife shouldest obey thee as the church doth love Christ? Then have care, thyself, for her as Christ does for the
church. And if it be needful that thou shouldest give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything
whatsoever--refuse it not! Christ brought His church to His feet by His great love--not by threats or any such thing, and
so do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife."
A man once feared that he was loving his wife too much, and a Christian asked
him if he loved his wife as much as Christ loved the church? He said, "Oh, No." He said, "Then you better love her more."
Kayto (sp.), who wrote so much of the Roman law, reflected the attitude of his time and the attitude of today, "If you catch
your wife in the act of infidelity, you can kill her without a trial! But, if she should catch you, she wouldn't venture to
touch you with her finger--she has no rights." Now, that is the sickening, male chauvinism that comes out of the curse and
the fall. That's the kind of attitude that is induced by the evil sexual perversions that Satan has brought in since the Book
of Genesis that constantly pull at marriage to destroy it and damn it. And the only way to counter it is to know Jesus
Christ,
to be filled with the Spirit and to make a commitment that you are going to love your wife no matter what.
Let me give
you just three practical things and then I will be done. 1 Peter 3:7, this is directly to husbands: if you are going to love
that wife, can I give you three kind of hints to work on this week?
1. Dwell
with them according to knowledge.
"In like manner," 1 Peter 3:7 says, "ye husbands,
dwell with them according to knowledge." Stop right there. I call this consideration. Another word for it would be understanding
or sensitivity. Men, listen! If you are going to love your wife, you have got to be sensitive and understanding, and considerate.
You know, you hear women say this all the time, "He never understands me. He doesn't know where I am at. He's insensitive
to my needs. We never talk. He doesn't know how I feel. He doesn't know what I am thinking about. He doesn't really comprehend
my hurts." You hear this over, and over, and over, and over, and it just builds a wall in a marriage. What the Word of God
is saying here is, "Dwell with her according to knowledge. Be sensitive. Be understanding. Feel what she feels." I know, I
work on this at home with Patricia because I have a lot of things in my mind, going around all the time, and sometimes it
is difficult for me to really be sensitive and to really reach out in love and understanding and knowledge, and know where
she is, and know where she is hurting, or where her joys are. But I'll tell you one thing; I have committed my life to love
that woman till I die, and I am going to chase her around heaven for all eternity!
I'll tell you something: I struggle
in my own humanness to love her "As Christ love His Church," and to meet her needs, and to lift her up, and to care for her
as I should. I want to be sensitive and be considerate, and so Peter says, "You husbands dwell with them according to knowledge."
Listen, it isn't what you get out of your marriage, it's what you give to it that God is after--that's the whole thing in
the Christian life anyway.
2. Chivalry
The second thing is not consideration, but chivalry. What ever happened to chivalry? "give honor unto the wife as unto
the weaker vessel." I mean, that's just talking about realizing that physically and emotionally you are the strength. You
know, the guy sits there and says, (you know), "When are you going to finish the lawn honey?" Or she comes in and says, "Could
you bring in the groceries dear?" He says, "It's the fourth quarter, can't you get them yourself? Carry one at a time honey."
Chivalry, what ever happened (you know) to opening the door for the wife? Usually, you are fifteen feet down the driveway
and she has got one foot hanging out and the door's opened. She turns to you and says, "Do you mind if I get my other leg
in? Chivalry, you see, give honor to the wife as the weaker vessel.
3. Communion
Last is communion. Consideration, and chivalry, and communion. This is beautiful, "As being heirs together
of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered." Hey, you have got this thing together! The "grace of life" is a beautiful
phrase, it is like hot fudge sundae, (this is the hot fudge) on top of life the grace (the hot fudge of life) is marriage,
and since you have inherited marriage, do it together, will you? Communion: talk together, share together. I thank the Lord
that my wife is my best friend: my best friend, my closest confidant, my dearest friend. We commune together, and there is
a spiritual thought here, "so that your prayers be not hindered." You need to share your spiritual lives together.
God
has given us the ingredients to make it work. He can reverse the curse. In Christ, filled with the Spirit, we make the deep
commitment. Men, when we look at that woman and we determine in our hearts that we are going to love her as Christ loved the
church, we will give the greatest sacrifice [even] if she is the most unworthy person because that's the way Christ did it.
And we will be considerate, and we will be chivalrous, and we will commune with her on a spiritual level. Under those conditions
I will promise you one thing: marriage will turn out to be the "hot fudge on the sundae;" marriage will turn out to be everything
God ever made it to be. You will give a legacy to your children that will have repercussions when they marry also, and you'll
start passing on the right kind of things to the generations to follow--and God help them if we don't!
Let's pray.
Father, we thank You again this morning for the insights you give us for what You have for us. You made us, and You know how
we function best. We don't want to fight that, but our sin, and Satan, corrupts everything. Then we live in a world where
every value is twisted, where every right thing is turned into a wrong thing, and every evil thing is made a virtue, and God,
it is so hard to sort it out. The fantasies the world throws at us all the time--that we are not really having what we could
have. All the beautiful people were supposed to be longing and lusting for--nothing but evil enticements by the "Prince of
the Power of the Air." God, we are sorry about that, that women who seek to rule, and we are so sorry about men who are so
despotic in theirs. We know that the only hope for both man and woman is Jesus Christ and a controlled life under the direction
of the Spirit of God.
Lord Jesus, my prayer for this church is this: the world is going to hear our message, they are
going to hear what we say, God, I just pray that they will see it being lived out, because it doesn't do a bit of good for
us to preach it if the people who claim You don't live it. Lord, help us to realize that only one thing matters, and that
is that we let our light so shine before men, that they will see our good works and glorify our Father, who is in heaven.
God, You will only be glorified when our life matches our message, so help us to make of our marriages what they ought to
be. Help the men in our church to love the way that Christ loved the church. Help the women to be submissive, to care for
their husbands, care for their children in a godly manner, and live their lives for the fulfilling of your divine plan, not
that
we may be glorified--no, but that You may be glorified and the world may see the blessing of those who live according
to your standard.
Father, help us to be salt and light in the world, and we know that there
is a price to pay, but the results are glorious. We thank you for the privilege of being counted as you children. In Christ's
name. Amen.
Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "MacArthur Collection" by:
Tony Capoccia
Bible Bulletin Board
Box 119
Columbus, New Jersey,
USA, 08022
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